EXCLUSIVE
Wayne Rooney is today in the centre of another shitstorm with his marriage truly on the fucking rocks, after Leo Dennett from comedy prog rock band 'No Made Sense' revealed the repugnant soccer man paid him for sexual liasons "loads of times, I reckon".
Speaking through a large cardboard tube like the one you'd deliver a poster in, Leo Dennett (also known as 'Loose Leo' the sick shit) revealed yesterday how Rooney sent him text after text filled with lewd suggestions, unabashed emoticons depicting various sexually charged facial expressions and 'lol's even when nothing funny had been said.
"We first met in a bar in Manchester when I was loitering outside the disabled toilets pretending to adjust my trousers; he seemed spellbound and started doing pretend keepy-ups with a pretend ball whilst licking his lips. A girl like me knows when she's being courted so I played some Katy Perry tracks on my latest smart phone and ran my hands through my hair like in those sexy shampoo commercials.
"Unfortunately I had to rush off soon after because the toddler I was supposed to be baby-sitting wasn't replying to my texts and I couldn't remember if i'd left the charger out or not. Before I left, Wayne wrote his telephone number on my knuckles with a Sharpie and insisted he see me again.
'Loose Leo', shown here with his pimp."The next week we met in an Etap hotel and he gave me 50 euros before getting a rucksack out filled with props. His favourite game was dinosaurs; he would dress up as a T-Rex and make me call him 'Tyrannosaurus Rooney', taping his forearms back so his elbows were sticking out like little arms. After he tired of stomping around i'd read him Jacqueline Wilson books, stroking his stupid potato face until he fell asleep."
"Sometimes I just like to lie down"
Dennett, who on facebook is shown to 'like' 'HUGE DESSERTS AFTER DINNER!' and 'gEt ovEr it, U r such a idyot!', also claims the international sportsballer invited him back to his fucking huge house, wherever that is. Texts alleged to have been sent range from the cute "Get ova here mi wife is out i wnt 2 b a dipladocus xoxo tb" to the bloody filthy "my cok is rele big lol go on i hav moar euros wot dnt u wnt dem?!".
Coleen Rooney is said to be heartbroken after discovering once again her man is in scandal-town but conceded "Well I was pregnant at the time and I didn't want his grotesque thing jabbing my unborn kid in the face. He's not doing me in the shitter either, if that's what you're about to suggest."
These legs go all the fucking way up, bitches
However, despite being paid several hundred euros for getting their bits all filthy like, apparently whores have morals.
Dennett defended herself, saying "Sure I was implicit in what will probably fuck his marriage up, sure I took his money and said I wouldn't tell anyone, but he didn't say don't tell everyone. Also I wanted new shoes.
"He's a real slimeball for wanting me to go back to his house. That's just too far. Honestly I looked it up on Google maps and I told him 'I'm not cycling that far, not for 50 euros, not even for 75 euros'. He just ignored that what he was doing would hurt Coleen so much. I would never wish that upon anyone. I would feel terrible if I was her. It's such a sorry state of affairs. I couldn't bare it anymore though. It was eating away at me every night. I really wanted these new shoes."
Wayne Rooney was unavailable for comment this morning, his spokesman claiming "he is busy wanking into bins".
that is one of the funniest things i've read in a long time.
ReplyDelete