London Calling *diverts to answerphone*

As some of you are aware, I live in London. When I say 'I', I am of course, referring to 'me'. 'Me' being me, obviously.

LONDON. LON-DON. LARN. DEN. However you pronounce it, it means only one thing. Lundon.

One of the best things about living in Londen is the fact there's lots of things to see and do. That is probably two of the best things. It's a short list but A BIG CITY. So to save you walking around like the annoying twat of a tourist you no doubt fucking are when you come to my city and start fucking pissing about going ooh what's an oyster card do I stick it up my arse what zone is my arse in I have prepared a handy guide to some of London. The first installment will cover some of my favourite trendy little eateries/eatoriums that the guide books won't tell you about! *winks* I say first installment but really there is no second installment and I've already run out of material did I just ruin the magic oh well i'm sorry


Cupcake Your Life Away - E1 4RK

Everyone likes cupcakes, right? Wrong. I love cupcakes. So when I stumbled across this gem of a shop, I whooped so loudly the lady in front of me fell down a flight of stairs. I didn't stop to check she was okay but luckily she landed flat on her pram at the bottom so I figured she'd be alright. Upon entering the premises you are greeted with cupcakes of all colours; red, blue, original, classic, green, dark blue, and blue. The cupcakes cost £7.35 each and are served on plates, on tables, and use of the chairs is included in the price. My time here was fantastic my only complaint is that the cupcakes are too expensive and the seating area outside got a bit noisy with all the paramedics and ambulances and people telling me I pushed her which I fucking didn't you cannot prove that I did push her.


Taste my Slice - NW3 WTF

'Taste my Slice' is pizza, with a difference. Instead of ordering from a menu (pah! Menu? I'm here to eat things not to read things, right? If I wanted to read things; and I really don't want to read things, I'm even struggling to make all these words appear in the right places as I type; then I would go to a library and i'm not a dick like you are) you are shown to your table next to a conveyor belt. A never ending stretch of pizza dough travels on the belt and it's your job to add the toppings! In front of you are several tubs of sauces (with paintbrushes to paintbrush the sauce on) and a whole range of toppings ideal for use as toppings on a pizza. Cheeses, meatses, even fruit if you're the sort of cunt who thinks it's acceptable to put fruit on a pizza and don't fucking start with your well a tomato is a fruit actually also a peanut is not a nut it is a legume because well just don't. Now here's the clever part; the conveyor belt leads the pizza straight into an oven! Now don't panic, pizzas love ovens, and go all crispy and cooked in the ensuing excitement! Once the pizza has been cooked alive; screaming and blistering; it comes out the other side of the oven (still on a conveyor belt) and takes a route parallel to the belt of uncooked pizza, back right next to your table. Now all you have to do is furiously stab at the cooked pizza in the vain hope you are able to cut bits off to eat! Forget about finding the bit of pizza you made, by this point someone's awful child has put crayons under the cheese and smashed a half pint glass of Coke Zero into the pineapple slices but it's all part of the experience.
For dessert there is 3 scoops of Neapolitan ice cream and a postcard from an elderly man holidaying in Tunisia.


The White Horse's Arms Swan Horse and Crown Red Lion & Lettuce - M8 STFU

This pub is situated on a tugboat in Camden. It's like any other pub except they don't do crisps, or lager, or beermats, and it's a tugboat. Also there is a man on the tugboat and he doesn't like me because I wee'd on the side of his tugboat last month and now he shouts at me when I see him I don't like tugboats anymore. His tugboat smells of wee.
Families and children welcome, beer garden and play area for the kids at the back.

That is the end of my presentation I hope you enjoyed yourself if anyone has any questions then ask them now no good well okay then can I sit down then Miss

****************************************************************************

BONUS FOOTAGE NEVER BEFORE SEEN ON TV REMASTERED II: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

THE TUBE

London bloody Underground, where -do- you get off? The answer is, of course, at the station closest to the location you wish to end up at. My favourite stations are:

Cockfosters
Grange Hill
Heathrow Terminal 4
Ickenham
North Pisscunt
Poplar
Epping

A few rules when travelling by tube:

1 - When on the escalator, stand to the right. This way, when people who still think it's entirely acceptable to use their fucking legs at some point in the day want to get past, they can walk up/down the left hand side. If you stand on the left-hand side or block it with your luggage/ugly girlfriend you are a useless cunt. I don't even need to be telling you this.

2 - Don't hold the doors open. You utter This is the very last tube train that will ever run ever and I am in such a hurry to go shop in Primark I will absolutely refuse to wait for 80 seconds for another tube to arrive prick. And sit in the fucking spare seats too. And move further down into the carriage, you astonishing tosser. Guess what? You will still be able to get off the train at your stop, regardless of how packed it is. Stop being a dick.

3 - Don't sit on other people's laps without prior permission.

SEX!

Now I've got your attention, here's a story about FUCKING

EXCLUSIVE

Wayne Rooney is today in the centre of another shitstorm with his marriage truly on the fucking rocks, after Leo Dennett from comedy prog rock band 'No Made Sense' revealed the repugnant soccer man paid him for sexual liasons "loads of times, I reckon".

Speaking through a large cardboard tube like the one you'd deliver a poster in, Leo Dennett (also known as 'Loose Leo' the sick shit) revealed yesterday how Rooney sent him text after text filled with lewd suggestions, unabashed emoticons depicting various sexually charged facial expressions and 'lol's even when nothing funny had been said.

"We first met in a bar in Manchester when I was loitering outside the disabled toilets pretending to adjust my trousers; he seemed spellbound and started doing pretend keepy-ups with a pretend ball whilst licking his lips. A girl like me knows when she's being courted so I played some Katy Perry tracks on my latest smart phone and ran my hands through my hair like in those sexy shampoo commercials.

"Unfortunately I had to rush off soon after because the toddler I was supposed to be baby-sitting wasn't replying to my texts and I couldn't remember if i'd left the charger out or not. Before I left, Wayne wrote his telephone number on my knuckles with a Sharpie and insisted he see me again.

'Loose Leo', shown here with his pimp.

"The next week we met in an Etap hotel and he gave me 50 euros before getting a rucksack out filled with props. His favourite game was dinosaurs; he would dress up as a T-Rex and make me call him 'Tyrannosaurus Rooney', taping his forearms back so his elbows were sticking out like little arms. After he tired of stomping around i'd read him Jacqueline Wilson books, stroking his stupid potato face until he fell asleep."

"Sometimes I just like to lie down"

Dennett, who on facebook is shown to 'like' 'HUGE DESSERTS AFTER DINNER!' and 'gEt ovEr it, U r such a idyot!', also claims the international sportsballer invited him back to his fucking huge house, wherever that is. Texts alleged to have been sent range from the cute "Get ova here mi wife is out i wnt 2 b a dipladocus xoxo tb" to the bloody filthy "my cok is rele big lol go on i hav moar euros wot dnt u wnt dem?!".

Coleen Rooney is said to be heartbroken after discovering once again her man is in scandal-town but conceded "Well I was pregnant at the time and I didn't want his grotesque thing jabbing my unborn kid in the face. He's not doing me in the shitter either, if that's what you're about to suggest."

These legs go all the fucking way up, bitches

However, despite being paid several hundred euros for getting their bits all filthy like, apparently whores have morals.

Dennett defended herself, saying "Sure I was implicit in what will probably fuck his marriage up, sure I took his money and said I wouldn't tell anyone, but he didn't say don't tell everyone. Also I wanted new shoes.

"He's a real slimeball for wanting me to go back to his house. That's just too far. Honestly I looked it up on Google maps and I told him 'I'm not cycling that far, not for 50 euros, not even for 75 euros'. He just ignored that what he was doing would hurt Coleen so much. I would never wish that upon anyone. I would feel terrible if I was her. It's such a sorry state of affairs. I couldn't bare it anymore though. It was eating away at me every night. I really wanted these new shoes."

Wayne Rooney was unavailable for comment this morning, his spokesman claiming "he is busy wanking into bins".

Hey!

Hey! Oh my god! How are you?! Look at your hair! Oh my god! Shut up! How are you?! No way! What? Oh.

Today I am writing this blog for two reasons.

REASON NUMBER ONE

There's not been a post in a month.

REASON NUMBER TOO

I am bored. BoredBoredBored.


It would seem sensible perhaps to mention what No Made Sense have been doing these past months, so perhaps I will mention that.

WHAT NO MADE SENSE HAVE BEEN DOING THESE PAST FEW MONTHS by Leo Dennett Form 7IPB

Well basically as has already been reported, all the music was done in June over a weekend, but chronic throat-rubbishness has stuck a right ol' fucking spanner in the works, meaning vocals are still yet to be complete, which is looking like it might push the release back. This is, of course, rubbish, but the album is so bloody good you'll cry. This does also mean that we might break the cycle of going SHUTUP THATS LOADS OF TIME IM NOT STARTING THAT NOW DONT BE A DICK then having to rush everything last minute. We probably still will, of course.

We're starting to get some footage together of the creation of the latest album, studio footage, rehearsal footage, talk-candidly-to-the-camera-about-which-band-member-pisses-you-off-the-most-footage, that sort of thing. There is also footage of the 08 tour with CiLiCe and IFWF knocking about which is largely redundant except for the fact some of it is hilarious.

So in short, we admire your patience.

As a present here is a picture of yours truly in front of 3 awesum stacks and i'm really rocking out with my guitar I hope you like them stay true to metal forever \O/ YAY Lol

MOAT MUST HANG

"If the technology were available, i'd move that Moat be brought back to life, have his eyes removed and given to PC David Rathband, then be required to spend 700 years (yes there is immortality technology involved too just go with me on this) tidying up Rathband's house and putting the bins out, that kind of thing, and also he has wear clothes two sizes too small for him. And a trilby." Rebecca Bromley, Manchester

"Death is too good for Moat, we should all kill ourselves too then join him in Hell and make sure he -really- suffers. Maybe put things up his bum too." Daniel Labrador, Newcastle

"If you rearrange the letters in 'Raoul Moat', add some more letters and take other letters away, you get the words 'Shotgun Mentalist' which tells me the Home Office have really dropped the fucking ball on this one. Actually was he born over here? Raoul sounds a bit 9/11 doesn't it?" Melanie Ray aged 6 and 1/2

***

I have to say how fucking tedious it is when the media uses facebook groups as a reflection of anything, ever. Facebook is designed so that connecting; making friends, 'liking' things, telling people what you had for lunch etc, is all just a few keystrokes/mouse clicks away. Conversely, acts like removing facebook friends require you to first spot the adverb in an Arabic haiku then win a game of tic tac toe where the computer gets the first two goes before finally getting to the necessary screen.

The point i'm making is, joining a group takes all of 1 second, and requires no real effort or thought beyond "lol i'm on facebook". So if 100,000 people join the group "I Hate Jam So Much!", can we expect 100,000 angry protesters to march down to Tiptree to smash up some loganberries? It's not likely, and that's not just because loganberry jam is delicious.

So, over 35,ooo people joined the facebook group 'RIP Raoul Moat You Legend'. BROKEN SODDING BRITAIN. How many of these people genuinely believe he is a legend?

Q. Who actually, entirely, and utterly believes that a man who shoots three innocent people, killing one, and blinding another, is a legend?

A. Nobody, really.

I would imagine the group comprises of three different types of people:

1) 'LOL u r kiddin me a rip moat page i am so off the wall tho im gonna join dis group so my friendz r like "Jade u r 2 much! lol" dats juts me tho wysiwyg'

2) 'Wahey, all police are cunts aren't they?! Can't believe he evaded the pigs for so long wahey what a bloody joker! Pure LEDGE in my book mate dousanothercarlingmate'

3) 'The world/internet is full of reactionary tosspots and by feigning support for Moat I can get some of you Daily Mail-reading spastics to foam at the mouth, bang your fat fists on your keyboard and get all angry because your life is devoid of any meaning or expression and you fail to see the irony in telling me you'll shoot me 'in the face with a fucking shotgun' for not agreeing with you.'

So, if a meeting were announced tomorrow in Trafalgar Square, celebrating the life and times of Raoul Moat, how many people from this facebook group would turn up? Do these 35,ooo+ people all log out of facebook chat, make colourful signage and have unabashed interviews with the BBC detailing just why they think he's a legend?

No. So can people stop pretending that these thousands of people have had a detailed analysis of the facts, numerous conversations with peers looking at both sides of the argument, before reaching the conclusion that yes, Moat = Legend?

***

This whole Moatfacegate also raises two more issues. Firstly, freedom of speech. David Cameron can piss off whining at facebook and get back to fucking up the country for everyone; there is nothing illegal about the page and there wouldn't be such a furore over it if the papers didn't shove it in everyones faces as they have their morning tea and loganberry jam on toast. It's in poor taste sure, but just let it slide down peoples newsfeeds and into obscurity, christ. Freedom of speech can be a contentious issue when people go beyond such sentiments as "puppies are brilliant" but i'd argue a facebook group calling a dead man a legend is far less damaging than one which actually spreads and incites fear and hatred (of which there are loads, with far more members than the RIP Moat page). Well done to facebook for just being all 'whatevs' about it.

The other issue is that instead of dusting off our hands, rocking on our heels and pulling our braces forward going "well that's the end of THAT chapter" we should still remember that Moat is a man gone mental, and that we should be looking at what went wrong, and how we can prevent similar events in the future. In dialogue with police and social workers he requested to see a psychiatrist, which I can only assume didn't happen. Also, what was done when he was released from prison for them to be confident he was going to try to rebuild his life, not take others with his own?

Ordinary people don't go around shooting other people in the face but it would be ridiculous and all too convenient to think that all murderers have latent madness to be called upon after they've killed. "We always knew he was going to do something like this" "He always seemed a little peculiar, didn't he?" These are the sort of things people say afterwards. I recall a few years back when some man was arrested on suspicion of killing several prostitutes. Quotes from co-workers and old school friends painted him as a real oddball, and made really quite nasty remarks, all based on the belief he was a killer. There was no apology from them or the press when it transpired he had nothing to do with it, but it just goes to show how easy it is for anyone alleged to have committed a crime to have unflattering pictures posted of them with a crazed look (a drunk photo lifted from facebook, natch) and testimonials from people who knew you, saying you were always a mental cunt and this was a long time coming.

In closing, Moat done gone done a bad thing, and facebook isn't news.

I guess this is why chief says no hugging

Helloyou

I thought i'd already done a blog with pictures from recording but I haven't. Effort.

Sorry for the lack of updates, we started recording the album the same weekend I moved back up to London, which was also the same weekend Super Mario Galaxy 2 came out (which i've only in the last day been able to start playing, grumble) so i've been hella busy, and have no internet in my new pad (yes it's a pad there's cushions and sex) because BT are quite incapable of moving our contract over, so fuck em, right in the cunts.

So recording then, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Guitar Tone.

We bashed out most of the tracks in the first day, then the rest on our second and final day at British Grove Studios. Recorded all the music live, was much more fun than taking turns recording our bits to a click.

There are many more photos, but I don't have them right now.

So with the music all down, it just remains for me to finish off the vocals. I'm working with Justin again and have had a couple of sessions to explore what is going to work best for this album, and final tracking will occur next week at some point, then it's just mixing/mastering and the album is complete!
There will be more photos/videos of the recording process up soon, but i'm at work so ugh just wait.

L

New Made Sense

LOL if I had a platinum album every time I made that pun I wouldn't be here pandering to you bastards.

HAI,

Seeing as in the last year or so we've gotten uglier I thought it only fair you got to see what sort of cunt you'd be dealing with now.

Introducing: SUPER NO MADE SENSE WORLD CUP 2010 RACING 64

Joe Battimelli - Electronic Bass

"Don't listen to the strings i'm playing, listen to the strings i'm not playing"

***



Leo Dennett - Rock Guitar

"My unique playing style reflects my inability to develop proper technique"

***



Sam Ward - Drum

"I'm not saying they've taken all our jobs, but they fucking have, haven't they?"

***

And there you have it. Recording in nine days. NINE DAYS. NYNDAZE.

I've Not Been Well Enough

So today is the 1st of June, which means we have 11 days to get our shit together before we go into the studio to record the follow up to last year's The Epillanic Choragi. Don't get too excited though, because we have totally sold out.