As some of you are aware, I live in London. When I say 'I', I am of course, referring to 'me'. 'Me' being me, obviously.
LONDON. LON-DON. LARN. DEN. However you pronounce it, it means only one thing. Lundon.
One of the best things about living in Londen is the fact there's lots of things to see and do. That is probably two of the best things. It's a short list but A BIG CITY. So to save you walking around like the annoying twat of a tourist you no doubt fucking are when you come to my city and start fucking pissing about going ooh what's an oyster card do I stick it up my arse what zone is my arse in I have prepared a handy guide to some of London. The first installment will cover some of my favourite trendy little eateries/eatoriums that the guide books won't tell you about! *winks* I say first installment but really there is no second installment and I've already run out of material did I just ruin the magic oh well i'm sorry
Cupcake Your Life Away - E1 4RK
Everyone likes cupcakes, right? Wrong. I love cupcakes. So when I stumbled across this gem of a shop, I whooped so loudly the lady in front of me fell down a flight of stairs. I didn't stop to check she was okay but luckily she landed flat on her pram at the bottom so I figured she'd be alright. Upon entering the premises you are greeted with cupcakes of all colours; red, blue, original, classic, green, dark blue, and blue. The cupcakes cost £7.35 each and are served on plates, on tables, and use of the chairs is included in the price. My time here was fantastic my only complaint is that the cupcakes are too expensive and the seating area outside got a bit noisy with all the paramedics and ambulances and people telling me I pushed her which I fucking didn't you cannot prove that I did push her.
Taste my Slice - NW3 WTF
'Taste my Slice' is pizza, with a difference. Instead of ordering from a menu (pah! Menu? I'm here to eat things not to read things, right? If I wanted to read things; and I really don't want to read things, I'm even struggling to make all these words appear in the right places as I type; then I would go to a library and i'm not a dick like you are) you are shown to your table next to a conveyor belt. A never ending stretch of pizza dough travels on the belt and it's your job to add the toppings! In front of you are several tubs of sauces (with paintbrushes to paintbrush the sauce on) and a whole range of toppings ideal for use as toppings on a pizza. Cheeses, meatses, even fruit if you're the sort of cunt who thinks it's acceptable to put fruit on a pizza and don't fucking start with your well a tomato is a fruit actually also a peanut is not a nut it is a legume because well just don't. Now here's the clever part; the conveyor belt leads the pizza straight into an oven! Now don't panic, pizzas love ovens, and go all crispy and cooked in the ensuing excitement! Once the pizza has been cooked alive; screaming and blistering; it comes out the other side of the oven (still on a conveyor belt) and takes a route parallel to the belt of uncooked pizza, back right next to your table. Now all you have to do is furiously stab at the cooked pizza in the vain hope you are able to cut bits off to eat! Forget about finding the bit of pizza you made, by this point someone's awful child has put crayons under the cheese and smashed a half pint glass of Coke Zero into the pineapple slices but it's all part of the experience.
For dessert there is 3 scoops of Neapolitan ice cream and a postcard from an elderly man holidaying in Tunisia.
The White Horse's Arms Swan Horse and Crown Red Lion & Lettuce - M8 STFU
This pub is situated on a tugboat in Camden. It's like any other pub except they don't do crisps, or lager, or beermats, and it's a tugboat. Also there is a man on the tugboat and he doesn't like me because I wee'd on the side of his tugboat last month and now he shouts at me when I see him I don't like tugboats anymore. His tugboat smells of wee.
Families and children welcome, beer garden and play area for the kids at the back.
That is the end of my presentation I hope you enjoyed yourself if anyone has any questions then ask them now no good well okay then can I sit down then Miss
****************************************************************************
BONUS FOOTAGE NEVER BEFORE SEEN ON TV REMASTERED II: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
THE TUBE
London bloody Underground, where -do- you get off? The answer is, of course, at the station closest to the location you wish to end up at. My favourite stations are:
Cockfosters
Grange Hill
Heathrow Terminal 4
Ickenham
North Pisscunt
Poplar
Epping
A few rules when travelling by tube:
1 - When on the escalator, stand to the right. This way, when people who still think it's entirely acceptable to use their fucking legs at some point in the day want to get past, they can walk up/down the left hand side. If you stand on the left-hand side or block it with your luggage/ugly girlfriend you are a useless cunt. I don't even need to be telling you this.
2 - Don't hold the doors open. You utter This is the very last tube train that will ever run ever and I am in such a hurry to go shop in Primark I will absolutely refuse to wait for 80 seconds for another tube to arrive prick. And sit in the fucking spare seats too. And move further down into the carriage, you astonishing tosser. Guess what? You will still be able to get off the train at your stop, regardless of how packed it is. Stop being a dick.
3 - Don't sit on other people's laps without prior permission.
LONDON. LON-DON. LARN. DEN. However you pronounce it, it means only one thing. Lundon.
One of the best things about living in Londen is the fact there's lots of things to see and do. That is probably two of the best things. It's a short list but A BIG CITY. So to save you walking around like the annoying twat of a tourist you no doubt fucking are when you come to my city and start fucking pissing about going ooh what's an oyster card do I stick it up my arse what zone is my arse in I have prepared a handy guide to some of London. The first installment will cover some of my favourite trendy little eateries/eatoriums that the guide books won't tell you about! *winks* I say first installment but really there is no second installment and I've already run out of material did I just ruin the magic oh well i'm sorry
Cupcake Your Life Away - E1 4RK
Everyone likes cupcakes, right? Wrong. I love cupcakes. So when I stumbled across this gem of a shop, I whooped so loudly the lady in front of me fell down a flight of stairs. I didn't stop to check she was okay but luckily she landed flat on her pram at the bottom so I figured she'd be alright. Upon entering the premises you are greeted with cupcakes of all colours; red, blue, original, classic, green, dark blue, and blue. The cupcakes cost £7.35 each and are served on plates, on tables, and use of the chairs is included in the price. My time here was fantastic my only complaint is that the cupcakes are too expensive and the seating area outside got a bit noisy with all the paramedics and ambulances and people telling me I pushed her which I fucking didn't you cannot prove that I did push her.
Taste my Slice - NW3 WTF
'Taste my Slice' is pizza, with a difference. Instead of ordering from a menu (pah! Menu? I'm here to eat things not to read things, right? If I wanted to read things; and I really don't want to read things, I'm even struggling to make all these words appear in the right places as I type; then I would go to a library and i'm not a dick like you are) you are shown to your table next to a conveyor belt. A never ending stretch of pizza dough travels on the belt and it's your job to add the toppings! In front of you are several tubs of sauces (with paintbrushes to paintbrush the sauce on) and a whole range of toppings ideal for use as toppings on a pizza. Cheeses, meatses, even fruit if you're the sort of cunt who thinks it's acceptable to put fruit on a pizza and don't fucking start with your well a tomato is a fruit actually also a peanut is not a nut it is a legume because well just don't. Now here's the clever part; the conveyor belt leads the pizza straight into an oven! Now don't panic, pizzas love ovens, and go all crispy and cooked in the ensuing excitement! Once the pizza has been cooked alive; screaming and blistering; it comes out the other side of the oven (still on a conveyor belt) and takes a route parallel to the belt of uncooked pizza, back right next to your table. Now all you have to do is furiously stab at the cooked pizza in the vain hope you are able to cut bits off to eat! Forget about finding the bit of pizza you made, by this point someone's awful child has put crayons under the cheese and smashed a half pint glass of Coke Zero into the pineapple slices but it's all part of the experience.
For dessert there is 3 scoops of Neapolitan ice cream and a postcard from an elderly man holidaying in Tunisia.
The White Horse's Arms Swan Horse and Crown Red Lion & Lettuce - M8 STFU
This pub is situated on a tugboat in Camden. It's like any other pub except they don't do crisps, or lager, or beermats, and it's a tugboat. Also there is a man on the tugboat and he doesn't like me because I wee'd on the side of his tugboat last month and now he shouts at me when I see him I don't like tugboats anymore. His tugboat smells of wee.
Families and children welcome, beer garden and play area for the kids at the back.
That is the end of my presentation I hope you enjoyed yourself if anyone has any questions then ask them now no good well okay then can I sit down then Miss
****************************************************************************
BONUS FOOTAGE NEVER BEFORE SEEN ON TV REMASTERED II: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
THE TUBE
London bloody Underground, where -do- you get off? The answer is, of course, at the station closest to the location you wish to end up at. My favourite stations are:
Cockfosters
Grange Hill
Heathrow Terminal 4
Ickenham
North Pisscunt
Poplar
Epping
A few rules when travelling by tube:
1 - When on the escalator, stand to the right. This way, when people who still think it's entirely acceptable to use their fucking legs at some point in the day want to get past, they can walk up/down the left hand side. If you stand on the left-hand side or block it with your luggage/ugly girlfriend you are a useless cunt. I don't even need to be telling you this.
2 - Don't hold the doors open. You utter This is the very last tube train that will ever run ever and I am in such a hurry to go shop in Primark I will absolutely refuse to wait for 80 seconds for another tube to arrive prick. And sit in the fucking spare seats too. And move further down into the carriage, you astonishing tosser. Guess what? You will still be able to get off the train at your stop, regardless of how packed it is. Stop being a dick.
3 - Don't sit on other people's laps without prior permission.
